


A Very Machina Critmas

by MazeEternal



Series: Vox Machina: The Hitman Au Nobody Asked For [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Cookies, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Gen, Hitman AU, How Do I Tag, Modern au I guess???, Some minor Percy Angst, Team Family, The Hitman AU is mostly background, late christmas fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-23 09:11:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13186950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MazeEternal/pseuds/MazeEternal
Summary: A few days in the life of Vox Machina the illustrious mercenary group who rights wrongs and lives in their small (ish) home at #115 Greyskull just outside of Emon. It's the family christmas Au I wanted ti to write.There are Christmas cookies, some minor family drama, no backstory because I plan on writing a fic about the backstory later in life. Snowball fights, Christmas Trees, and shenanigans ensue as Vox Machina (and Kaylie, Cassandra, and Velora) try to get it together for Christmas.Also, the team is still pretty new at living together so personalities are still clashing...a little.--In Which, Vox Machina are hitmen (and women) dealing with family shenanigans.





	1. The Fight

**Author's Note:**

> The Run Down:
> 
> Percy, Kiki, and the twins are somewhere between 23-27  
> Velora is 12, Cass is 14, Kaylie is 17  
> Pike, Scanlan and Grog are the best.
> 
> It's Christmas, Mama Pike is trying to pull the team together, but her busy work schedule at the hospital? Not helping.

Chapter One: The Fight

Scanlan Shorthalt wasn’t entirely sure how his life had come to this, but he was starting to believe that he could be grateful for it. Lying awake in his small attic bedroom as footsteps echoed below him, he couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. The girls would be up soon, the younger ones anyway, he was sure Vex had been awake for some time now given that Trinket needed to be let out and Kiki and Pike weren’t ones to sleep in.

_Two co-dependent assassins, an incorrigibly bubbly biochemist, a depressed and emotionally unstable weapons expert, and a connoisseur of bone breaking and general violence,_ he thought fondly as he sat up in bed, _three teenagers and a doctor, what kind of crazy family are we?_

A gentle knock sounded on his door. “Scanlan?” a soft voice called.

“I’m awake, Pike!” he called back trying to sound chipper.

“Oh good,” Pike sounded a little relieved. “You’ll be down for breakfast, then?”

“Five minutes,” Scanlan replied as he hurried get dressed for the day. “Is something wrong?”

“No, no, everything’s fine,” but she sounded a little off.

Before he had time to reply, Pike had walked away.

He hurriedly finished buttoning his shirt and throwing on his beret, it wasn’t the most presentable he had ever looked, but it was flashy enough and he hadn’t been planning on leaving Greyskull anytime in the morning. As he descended the steps onto the upper floor, Scanlan glanced at the bedroom doors; Vex and Vax’s doors were both a little ajar, Percy’s was shut and Keyleth’s was wide open, the three younger girls shared the master bedroom on this floor and their bedroom door was also open wide revealing a mess of clothing strewn all over the floor and bunkbed. Kaylie, Cassandra, and Velora hadn’t really had any qualms about sharing given the space constraint, but they weren’t particularly good at picking up after themselves. Still, at least none of the mess had made it out into the hall…yet.

_A disaster for another day_ , he decided moving towards the main staircase.

As he slowly descended the stairs into the chaos of the morning he heard shouting. It was infuriated and offended the responses given were just as irritated and furious.

_What on earth are they subjecting Pike to now?_

The living room honestly wasn’t much; just a few couches, one of which turned into a bed where Grog slept, a television that no one ever really watched, and a big fluffy rug that Trinket usually slept on in the daytime when he wasn’t following one or both of the twins around. The best part of this room was the window seat large enough for two people to sit relatively comfortably and read or listen to music or play music or…well whatever suited whoever got there first really. This morning, however, the twins, Percy and Keyleth were having a very heated fight about something and Pike was standing in the kitchen doorway looking helplessly at him as the three younger girls buttered their toast as if this were a perfectly normal occurrence. Scanlan wasn’t entirely sure where Grog and the giant bear masquerading as a dog had gone off to, but it was one less headache to deal with he supposed.

“ALRIGHT HOLD UP!” he bellowed from the stairs.

Instantly Percy and Vax fell silent, Keyleth looked at him shaken and Vex glared mercilessly, but neither of the girls said anything as he walked into the living room.

Scanlan always hated that he was shorter than everyone save Pike and the children—the _younger_ children he amended mentally—but thankfully he was usually still able to keep their attention for long enough to resolve any crisis that came into being.

“What’s this all about now?” he raised a stern eyebrow at them.

“Scanlan,” Vex frowned deeply. “We can handle it. You’re not _our_ parent—”

“That’s right,” Percy nodded in agreement. “We can resolve this—”

He tried not to let those words sting, they did even if he knew that they came from a place of deep sadness and hurt in both of their cases.

“Not by yelling at each other you won’t,” Pike reprimanded from her place in the kitchen doorway—Scanlan was surprised she hadn’t already solved this, but then he remembered that she’d lost her voice due a cold and was probably still not feeling as well as she should be for someone who was up and about getting everyone ready for the day. “I _still_ don’t know what you’re fighting about!”

Vax mumbled something dejectedly as he went to sit by the window.

“What was that?” Scanlan asked walking over to him. “I couldn’t hear you over all the emo brooding.”

The younger man glared, “I said, we were trying to decide what to do for Christmas.”

Keyleth nodded from where she stood by Percy, “We were just having a hard time agreeing over—um…”

“The decorations,” Percy filled in helpfully.

Scanlan rolled his eyes, “You’ve been yelling yourselves hoarse over something Pike has no doubt already figured out.”

“That’s what we’ve been _trying_ to tell you!” Cassandra burst out as she and Kaylie stepped out of the kitchen.

Kaylie nodded, “Y’all jus’ started ter holler at each other before we could get a word out.”

Keyleth turned pink, in spite of the fact that Scanlan was pretty sure she was the only one who hadn’t been yelling.

Vex was still frowning, but she glanced at her brother for a moment before saying, “We just want to do things the way we usually do.”

Percy glared, “ _You_ just want to do things your way, _Vax_ doesn’t care he’ll just stick up for you no matter what you say.”

“Damn right I will, she’s my sister and watch your tone De Rolo,” Vax was on his feet and in a flash he’d moved between Percy and his sister.

“Cool it you two,” Scanlan said firmly. “Percy I’m sure we can do things everyone’s way. It’s Christmas, Pike probably has a plan.”

He glanced at her hopefully. _You do have a plan, right?_

She grinned, “I always have a plan. Why do you think I’ve been collecting everyone’s Christmas traditions over the last few weeks?”

“ _See_?” Scanlan smirked. “Now if you’re done yelling your heads off at each other—”

“Apologize,” Pike gave them her best mom look and even without her usually caliber of voice the assorted mid-to-late twenty year olds in the living room looked very ashamed of themselves.

“I’m sorry Percival,” Vax said, but he didn’t look like he really meant it.

Percy looked like he was going to pick another fight, but Keyleth put a hand on his shoulder and instead he turned to Vex and said in what was his most formal register, “Vex’ahlia, I am deeply sorry for having caused you and your brother distress.”

Vex held her chin up higher, “I accept.”

Keyleth looked unsure about what to do and then turned to Pike, “I’m sorry we made such a scene.”

The others behind her looked positively ashamed of themselves under Pike’s gaze and Keyleth’s presence of mind, but Percy and the twins would need more time to sort out their differences. Especially since Vax wasn’t particularly forgiving when it came to slights against his sister and only Saranrae knew what Percy had yelled in anger this morning.

“Good enough,” Pike stated, but Scanlan had a feeling everyone was going to get a one-on-one Mama Pike chat at some point in the next couple of days.

Velora had found her way out into the hall now, _she_ seemed to be the only teenager fully dressed for school in her knee high socks, button down shirt, blue sweater vest and black skirt. Kaylie had a single sock on, was in black pants and a rumpled shirt that Scanlan wondered if she’d slept in or simply pulled off the floor and deemed suitable. Cassandra was barefoot, but her hair was done and she had on her school shirt and pajama bottoms—clearly she’d decided that breakfast took priority over being fully dressed this morning. _That_ was an uncommon occurrence.

“Cass,” Keyleth looked at her closely, “are you alright? You’re usually dressed by breakfast.”

Cassandra yawned a little, “Fine, fine. Late night working on some homework.”

Percy looked worried, “If you need help—”

“I’m fine,” she waved him off and started heading upstairs. “ _You_ on the other hand.”

Percival rolled his eyes and stalked towards the kitchen, his white hair rumpled,  his pajamas grease stained as usual, and—in spite of Pike’s many concerns—his feet bare on the cold floor. Vex followed him making a non-comital noise about food, Vax looked after his sister for a moment before heading upstairs as well—he had yet to get dressed. Keyleth sighed and sat down in the couch.

Scanlan looked at Pike, _Am I talking to her or are you?_

Pike raised an eyebrow, _Do you want to take her and I’ll handle Percy? Or do you want to handle Percy?_

Scanlan sat on the couch beside Keyleth. “Hey Kiki, how’re you holding up?”

“I don’t know,” she stared off into space for a moment, she did that frequently when trying to decide how to express herself. “Do you ever not know how you feel? As if you thought something was good and then it just keeps blowing up in your face? Do you ever wonder if everyone you love will ever get along and if it’s your fault they’re getting hurt in the first place?”

He sighed, Keyleth always put way too much pressure on herself when it came to—well, everything. “Yes I know that feeling, but it’s not your fault they fight. They fight because they have a lot left to sort out with themselves individually and they take it out on each other.”

“Why are you so wise?” Kiki asked him wide eyed. “You’re so wise, but so…”

“Sh—” he heard footsteps on the stairs and retracted his swear, “Dumb?”

“Not dumb…”

“I’m not wise, Keyleth, I make lots of bad decisions,” he shook his head. “I’m just a smooth talker.”

She went to object.

“And,” he carried on, “I’m old.”

Kiki closed her mouth as if trying to think of something kind to say, “Well at least you’re old and not wise, but you’re—um…”

Scanlan laughed as she floundered to find the right words to save her sentence. “At least I’m going to have a more or less quiet breakfast.”

Velora was tugging her coat on in the hall, her shoes already on. Cassandra had managed to find the rest of her school uniform and had a hat and scarf on as well as a dress-coat, ever looking the De Rolo part. Vax bounced from the top of the stairs and slid down the banister with ease, a black jacket over his grey hoody.

“Hey Stubby,” he hollered careening into the kitchen. “Don’t eat all the cer—” a slew of colourful cuss words resounded.

Scanlan made a mental note to add the twins’ favorite cereal to the shopping list he had no doubt he and Grog would be in charge of. Vex liked to cut corners on the shopping, which was fine most of the time—especially if money was tight, which even as mercenaries it was occasionally, but he knew Pike wanted the holidays to be special.

Kaylie came down the stairs whistling as she stuffed her flute case into her too small backpack, he had tried to convince her to get a new one if she didn’t want to carry the case around, but Kaylie was insistent that she liked her backpack. He hadn’t really had the heart to argue with her given that it was covered in patches from everywhere she’d been before he had formally gained custody of her.

She smirked at him, “Long morning, old man?”

He laughed but didn’t say anything else as he plucked her coat off the rack and handed it to her.

Vax ambled back into the hallway and opened the door that led down to basement where the workout equipment, the shooting range, Percy’s workshop, and the garage sprawled underground. The entrance to Keyleth’s greenhouse was above ground because it didn’t seem like something terribly illegal that they’d have to hide from the neighbourhood.

“Ready for school, then?” Vax raised an eyebrow at the girls.

“It’s SEVEN FIFTY THREE!” Percy exclaimed from the kitchen, it seemed that he’d gotten over his quiet sulking.

The girls didn’t look panicked, Kaylie snorted, “You can get us there in seven minutes.”

“I can get you there in three,” Vax laughed as Cassandra rushed passed him down the staircase.

“We’ll make it for eight!” Velora shouted into the kitchen before quickly catching Scanlan by surprise by hugging him and grabbing her older brother by the hand.

It took everyone in the house within earshot to remember that the girl’s school, the Alabaster Lyceum, was a twenty minute drive away from where they lived on the outskirts of the city.

“VAX NO!”

A black convertible shot from the underground garage onto the road in record time and disappeared down the street before any of them had stopped shouting.


	2. The Christmas Tree and the Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keyleth has a small meltdown about Christmas and Grog helps while the twins bake cookies (spoiler they can't).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second one. This is so the Christmas fic nobody asked for...

Chapter Two : The Christmas Tree and the Cookies

The rest of the week had begun to pass fairly smoothly, it was the last week of school for Kaylie, Velora, and Cassandra so they were mostly cramming for exams and complaining about their teachers. Vax and Percy were still on thin ice since Monday morning and, although he didn’t pick any fights with Vex, the inventor had attempted to tell Vax that his driving was irresponsible—that had not gone well.

Pike was working around the clock at the hospital and really did not have time to deal with the madness that was happening at home so Scanlan had bravely attempted to step in to heard the rest of their make shift family into line…or at least some sort of semblance of order.

All in all, Keyleth was pretty sure everything was going to fall apart by Thursday night.

“Grog,” she turned to the large man.

He blinked and didn’t miss a beat, “Vax did it.”

“Did what?” she grinned in spite of herself, but then worry clouded her mind. “Is something broken? Does it need to be fixed? Is it bad? Should we—”

“Keyleth, calm down,” he lay a hand on her shoulder. “What were you going to say?”

“Are you afraid that everything is going to fall apart because Pike isn’t here?”

Grog stared at her blankly, “But, but Pike was here this morning. She didn’t have a bag. She hasn’t left, has she?”

“No, no. I mean,” Keyleth sighed heavily and tried again. “Because she’s at work and is working so much, are you afraid that we’re not going to be ready for Christmas? Or, that Percy and Vax will kill each other?”

“Nah, I’m not afraid. There’s no point worrying about things that will work out. Look, Pike made a nice list of everything we needed to get and do for Christmas. It’s got colors on it,” he grinned broadly. “As for Percy and Vax, you leave them to sort it out. I’d be more worried about Vex killing both of them.”

She chuckled and glanced at the list on the fridge, “Maybe we can get the tree today? What’d you say Grog?”

“I’ve got the day off,” he agreed and drained his cup of ale.

Keyleth had once been concerned about Grog drinking around the kids, but he was never violent towards anyone they didn’t want him to be violent towards and drinking just put him to sleep. Pike had explained that his constitution was far too high for him to get drunk on as little as he drank every day.

Vex smiled brightly as she walked into the kitchen and sing-songed, “Keyleeeeeeth!”

“Yes!” she sat up straight as an arrow. “I mean, yeah Vex?”

Vex rolled her eyes, _Smooth Kiki._

But before she could say anything Vax appeared behind his sister and Keyleth felt her lungs closing up a little.

“Hey Kiki, Stubby and I wanted to know if you wanted to help us bake cookies,” he grinned broadly his eyes shining with the same excitement as his sister’s.

“I wouuuuuuld,” she said slowly drawing out the word, “but Grog and I are going to get the Christmas tree today. Do you think you’ll manage without me?”

Vex nodded, “No problem! It’ll be fun, we can handle a kitchen and some cookies.”

Vax looked a little pensive but smiled along with his sister, “I’m sure we’ll be okay.”

“Great!” Keyleth beamed at the twins. “Pike left instructions on the fridge and the recipe book should be on the counter somewhere.”

She turned to Grog, who with all the planning had slowly dozed off face first onto the counter.

“Maybe you should drive,” Vax suggested as Vex went to raid the fridge and cupboards.

Keyleth nodded and poked Grog awake, “C’mon Grog! We’re going to get the tree.”

“We’re gonna get the best Christmas tree for Pike!” he beamed right back at her and Keyleth couldn’t help but feel a little more confident, after all, with Grog at her back things couldn’t be so bad.

“Maybe you two can get Percy out of wherever he’s hiding to help you,” she suggested to the room before dashing off down the stairs to the garage; she definitely didn’t want to talk about that.

\--

An hour or so after he had heard the _Vox_ —their big blue box of a van that they used on jobs that required onsite technical support—leaving the property, Percy smelled burning. It was subtle, but definitely there.

_Did someone leave the stove on?_ he mused getting up to check on the source of the smell.

He’d been in his bedroom researching the chemical properties of some chemical or another when he’d gotten distracted by a case file he’d hacked into on the Briarwoods, but he figured he’d best turn the stove off before everyone died in a fire.

From the stairs, he heard profuse cursing and frowned, _Vax_?

“MOTHER BITCH!” _Vex_.

Curiosity got the better of him and he followed the sound of both of the twins’ swearing to the kitchen where they were both covered in patches of flour and yelling at a very burned dozen—Percy couldn’t be sure, but he _thought_ they were supposed to be cookies.

“WHY IS THIS SO HARD?” Vex wailed and threw herself at the island.

Vax frowned at the cookies as if brooding at them would somehow reverse the fact that they had burned.

“Oh, hello Percy dear,” Vex smiled at him.

Her brother’s frown deepened.

“Are you…baking?” he couldn’t help himself.

“Well, no, we were planning a very intricate robbery which involves burning three dozen cookies and forgetting to add sugar to an additional batch,” Vax snapped as he threw out the burned remains of what had supposed to have been cookies.

“Ah,” he was tempted to leave them to it, but part of him _was_ very concerned about the safety of the house if he left them to their devices. “Would you—um, appreciate some assistance?”

Vax looked ready to tell him to shove off, but Vex beat him to it and replied first, “Sure! I’m so tired of burning everything. We _were_ going to have Keyleth help us, but she’s gone to get the Christmas tree.”

Percival nodded, “Alright then, well what are we trying to bake, exactly?”

It took them much longer than strictly necessary to make all of the cookies Pike had listed, but between the three of them they managed. As it turned out the twins were actually quite good at baking once they got settled, Percy himself wasn’t much of a chef, but it was simple chemistry so he managed well enough. In the end they were pulling their seventh dozen of chocolate chip cookies out of the oven when the front door opened.

Vax took it upon himself to taste test.

“Careful that’s hot!” his sister warned, but all she did was pull the cookie out of his hand and steal the first bite.

“Give that back Stubby it’s mine!” Vax snatched it back out of her hands and took a bite before turning to him. “Huh, mrff phurt mrrf.”

“Wha--?” even as Percival opened his mouth to tell Vax that he couldn’t understand anything he was saying with his mouth full, the sneak stuffed the rest of the cookie into his face. Well, that was unfair, most of it got into his mouth.

“MRRRF! RRRRSSS!” Percy complained and flailed his arms animatedly at the twins knocking the flour off the counter and sending it flying into the air.

 

And that was the scene that Keyleth and Grog walked in on; Percy in his usual fancy attire, sleeves rolled up, covered in flour, his glasses askew. Vex and Vax doubled over laughing with flour thick in Vex’s braid and all over Vax’s unruly mane that he refused to cut. A total of twenty batches of cookies in various stages of cooling and frosting strewn across the kitchen and dining room.

Grog grinned and grabbed a handful of flour, “Didn’t I tell you it was going to be okay?”

“Yeah I guess you did, Grog,” Keyleth smiled right before her large friend lobbed his massive handful of flour all over her hair and face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> Love,  
> Maze xxx

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know guys...comment if you like it?


End file.
